


Mithridatism

by pythia



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU, Angst, Ben's pretty creepy but in a way that's a little relatable, F/M, Miscommunication, Modern AU, Modern AU - college/university, Non-Linear Narrative, Obsessive Behavior, Prompt Fill, Student AU, reylo hookups, undergraduate angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 07:59:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pythia/pseuds/pythia
Summary: Rey and Ben meet while in undergrad.Mithridatism is the practice of protecting oneself against a poison by gradually self-administering non-lethal amounts.





	1. I saw you as you walked across my room

**Author's Note:**

  * For [persimonne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/persimonne/gifts).



> Persimonne generously sent me a million prompts over Twitter. I combined them into this story. I hope you like it. Thank you for helping me find something to write about. 
> 
> This story was proofread by like, a million people. Thank you for holding my hand. If there are any mistakes, I made them while moving everything from Google Docs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, and I don't care  
> If I ever will see you again.

Playlist: [Mithridatism playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ic7F17St0XkqZC0Omoh6a)

She is nothing, and yet she means so much to him. It was a strange truth that was particularly hard for Ben Solo to acknowledge while sober. Across the room, Rey danced with her friends, careless and happy. It was a Thursday night, nearly Friday, and for undergrads, that was reason enough to celebrate. Ben wasn’t much for celebrating. He was too severe, even when he tried to relax and do whatever normal college kids did for fun. Mostly, he just wanted to be back at his loft and working on a new cello piece that Dr. Snoke assigned him.

The crowd let out a loud cheer as another song came on. Something new and unfamiliar to Ben, who’d been raised to appreciate all kinds of music. Anything produced within the last twenty years was considered to be a fad, and too new to be any good. That’s what Uncle Luke taught him anyway. He turned away from Rey and signaled the bartender; it was time to close his tab before he made a mistake. Signing his bill, one of Rey’s friends, an average-looking brunette named Christina caught his eye and smiled shyly at him.

They left together. No amount of pretending would fully convince Ben that he really wanted to be rolling around in bed with Christina. He slept with her anyway. It worked for now. 

Ben looked for Rey on Fridays when she walked from her first class to the student center to meet her friends at the break. She hung around with art types who congregated around the porch outside the student center. Someone let out a cackle of laughter, and he recognized Rose Tico’s trademark laugh. He looked over for a moment and spotted Rose throwing her arms around Rey’s neck. They were both laughing hysterically. It was the sort of moment that the university photographer would love to capture and then plaster on a brochure.

He would have known that it was Rose Tico without looking, because of the number of times Hux had dragged him out somewhere because she was supposed to be there. His friend never explicitly mentioned that he was attracted to Rose, but the woman was everywhere that Hux wanted to be. The obsession with Rose began last semester after she’d bitten his finger at a crowded house party. Even without three beers in him, Hux was a close talker, and Rose didn’t take well to people getting in her personal space. Ben saw him wag his finger at Rose, trying to emphasize a point, and the tip of his finger brushed against her cheek. Rose had been drinking too, and as a reflex, she bit Hux’s finger. “She bit the shit out of it!” Hux had exclaimed the next day, red blotches rising on his cheeks and neck.

Since then, Hux’s gaze seemed to follow Rose whenever they were in the same room. Ben would tease Hux, but he wasn’t a hypocrite. He also didn’t want to know if anyone noticed how he orbited Rey, while also trying to stay out of her sight.

What could be so funny at 10 a.m. on a Friday? Ben frowned at Rey and Rose before turning away. Midterms were just weeks away, and they were sitting in the morning sun like it was the first week of class. Shaking his head, Ben pushed through the doors of the student center to check his mailbox and grab another cup of coffee before his next class. Hopefully, there was coffee brewing in the Student Government office. He jogged up the stairs and tried to leave all stray thoughts of Rey Jakku’s bright smile and laughter outside on the porch. It was a distraction. She was a distraction that he didn't need.

It all began during Ben’s third year. He had been sitting at a long library table attempting to study for his Epistemology midterm. Concentrating on the outline for his essay was extremely difficult as Poe Dameron was shuffling papers and whispering to Finn, the guy with ”amazing cheekbones” that Poe had obsessed over for weeks. Growling under his breath, Ben scribbled out the evidence he’d planned on using for his second paragraph. Sloppy supporting evidence could potentially kill his grade, and that would jeopardize his application for the coterminal Master’s program in economics.

At some point, Finn had slipped away from their table, leaving Poe alone at the opposite end to stare at Ben like one of the blank-eyed Greco-Roman statues Dr. Akbar kept in his office. Poe even had the same smooth, curly hair favored by those unknown sculptors.  It was unfair that Poe was both well-liked and handsome.

”Poe, if I look up from my paper and you're still staring at me like that, I'm going to stab you with my pencil, ” he threatened in a reasonably friendly tone considering how creepy Poe was acting.

”Well, Finn told me something and told me not to tell you. I think that Finn is wrong for doing that because I think it's something you should know, ” Poe’s tone made it clear that he was about to start some long, convoluted tale. He was a good guy and a decent person, but Poe had a complicated relationship with details that often made his stories painful to hear. Ben, of course, was a details guy.

”Poe. Tell me or don't tell me. I don't care. My outline is shit, and I don't want to brood over ethical dilemmas with you right now.” His voice was raspy and sharpened to a fine edge by stress.

Poe held up his hands in surrender and grinned at his friend. His smiles were always comfortable and friendly, disarming even the most vigilant bartenders.

“Finn has this friend, Rey. She’s seen you around, and well, she’s interested.  Apparently, her friends tease her about you.” Poe’s grin seemed to become even more pleased as if he’d just given his friend a winning lottery ticket.

The name wasn’t familiar to Ben. No one in any of his economics or philosophy classes was named Rey. There was no one in orchestra or student government named Rey. “Look, I don’t know her and I don’t care. I don’t date. I’m trying to get into the coterm program for econ.” A strange pit had formed in his stomach. What had he done to catch a total stranger’s attention? Someone had seen him. A part of him was pleased, and a part of him was terrified. He pushed those feelings aside and looked back down at the scribbled outline. “I’ve got shit to do Poe. Let it go.”

Poe let out a huff of laughter, “You say that now. Look her up.”  

Ben rolled his eyes and cracked his neck, “You’re ridiculous.” He turned back to his outline and ignored Poe until the library closed at midnight.

That was how the Rey thing began.

 


	2. wild women don't get the blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wild women don't get the blues, but lately I've been crying like a tall child

After midterm exams, someone threw a party. Of course. Ben found himself hiding in a corner with a red plastic cup of beer and trying to figure out how to leave. Poe and Hux had dragged him out of his room. They’d closed his laptop, pulled his mobile from the charger and frog-marched him out of the house.

“Finn said Rose was gonna be there,” Poe told Hux in an overly casual tone as they waited in line at the keg. Ben attempted to suppress a smile at Hux’s reaction. It was clear Hux was pleased, but also completely horrified that someone had “figured out” his secret.

“We’re not here for me anyway, Rey is here. Or supposed to be here,” Hux snarled at Poe before looking over at Ben, a guilty expression crossing his face.

Ben reached out and snatched Poe’s beer from his hands, “Both of you are assholes. I’m no longer your DD.” He then found the nearest corner to hide while drinking his shitty beer.

Across the room, two women sat making out on a couch. They were right in his line of sight, so he had to turn away to keep from staring at them as they kissed. Some of the guys at the party were blatantly watching them, and Ben couldn't help but glare at them over the rim of his cup. He finally gave up on trying to perfect his death glare and started counting cracks in the plaster ceiling.

Poe sidled over to Ben, apparently deciding that 45 minutes was enough time to let his friend stew alone in a corner. He didn't say anything to him for a long time. The silence grew until Poe was squirming, distinctly uncomfortable with the long silence.

“So, who talks first? Do you talk? Do I talk?” Poe was joking around, his go-to defense mechanism. Even he was a kid, growing up with Ben, Poe used humor to hide his feelings. They’d gone to boarding school together, and neither man had changed much since they’d first met. It was either a good thing or a sign of arrested development.

“Whose idea was it to bring me here? You or Hux?” Ben tried to control the anger in his voice. He didn't date. He had too much going on, and the coterm program was the priority. Everything took a backseat until Ben got into the program.

Poe looked uncomfortable and turned away from Ben where the two women were making out on the couch came up for air. One of them, the blonde was texting on her phone, grinning at the screen. She stood up and bid the other woman, a brunette with striking hazel eyes goodbye.

“I see you’ve spotted Rey.” Poe indicated the brunette who now sat alone on the couch, sipping from a bottle of beer.

He frowned. There was no way that the pretty brunette who’d just been making out with another woman was interested in him. Their eyes locked and a deep flush developed on Rey’s cheeks, neck, and chest.

Poe punched Ben in the arm and waved at Rey. “Hey Jakku, where did Kaydel get off to?”

“Well, I think that's what she went to go do.. Get off. Someone very important called. ” Rey called to Poe with a wry smile. Poe was trying very hard not to look at Ben who was trying to see if he could kill Poe if he stared long enough at him.

He let out a sigh and left Poe to talk with Rey without saying goodbye. Ben barely heard Poe’s protest over the din of the party. It was past time to go home.

After the party, Rey was suddenly everywhere on campus. Ben saw her multiple times a week as she lived in one of the old sorority houses near the music building that the school used as apartments after the organizations disbanded. How had he never noticed her before? Their schedules seemed to be continually overlapping.

She was always with someone. Sometimes she’d be cuddled up with Kaydel Connix, the woman she’d been kissing. Rey also was a friend of Rose Tico, the object of Hux’s obsessive affections. Now that Ben knew her name and face, it was impossible to not notice her everywhere on campus. It was distracting, the way his skin prickled and stomach lurched when Rey walked by or Ben caught sight of her outside a lecture hall, chatting with a group.

Shortly before reading week, there was another party, one that Ben actually wanted to attend. It was thrown by Ransolm Casterfo who’d gotten into the Economics coterm program last spring. He was hoping that Ransolm would be someone willing to talk about the application process.

Instead of talking with Ransolm, he spoke with Rey the entire night. He didn’t know how it started. One minute, he was looking for Ransolm, the next he was talking with Rey Jakku, who’d been a total stranger. She was funny and smart, making off-hand references to her childhood spent in Tunisia and London that would have been pretentious coming from anyone else.

They didn't exchange any real details of their lives. Most of their conversation was about their classes, places they both traveled to, and mutual friends. They both liked cello music, hated peer reviewing papers and found most college gatherings to be “ridiculously overhyped.”

A couple of times, Rey smiled brightly at him and revealed that she had dimples. He found them adorable. When did he start to like dimples? Ben didn't have time for anything that wasn't school or his million extracurricular activities.

He watched Rey leave the party wearing a battered army surplus jacket that somehow suited her perfectly. It was the sort of thing that Ben would have hated to see anyone wear. It was charming on Rey. Ben Solo was charmed by a woman, and it was Poe Dameron’s fault.

He was confident that he’d never have even paid attention to Rey Jakku if Poe hadn’t mentioned that she’d noticed him. That was probably the case. Ben didn’t actually like Rey; he just liked being liked by an attractive woman. It was a new feeling for him. Anyone would appreciate that sort of attention.

It was just a passing thing.

 


	3. I can be your heartache, you can be my shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can be your heartache, you can be my shame  
> When you're feeling reckless, when you're feeling chained

In sixth grade, his English teacher had the class read The Tell-Tale Heart. Ben had never really understood how the protagonist could feel so guilty that he thought the heart of the man he murdered was still beating under the floorboards of his house.

He finally understood it after stealing a pair of Rey Jakku’s dirty underwear from her laundry basket. They seemed to be burning a hole in his messenger bag as he studied with Rey’s housemate Zari. They were assigned a group project for class, and she’d been happy to have all six members of their group over to work.

Ben had spotted Rey walking by with a basket of laundry on her hip while chatting on her mobile phone. When she’d gone back to her room, Ben excused himself and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. Instead of getting water, Ben snatched a pair of Rey’s white cotton underwear and jammed them into his pants pocket.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

After a few drinks with Poe and Hux, Ben stumbled home and flopped on to his bed. His messenger bag was sitting on his desk chair, and Rey’s underwear was still in there. He’d been carrying them around all day long, like some creepy fucker who spent his entire day talking shit about women out of his league on Reddit.

He pulled off his pants, button down and laid back down on his bed, staring at his messenger bag. Ben recalled how Rey had kissed Kaydel so passionately, but so softly. It was like the other woman was the most precious thing in the world to her. It was evident that Rey didn’t like him, because he’d seen her kissing Kaydel at the bar by campus. Ben was so stupid to like a girl that he’d only had one real conversation with at a crowded party.  Poe had probably fucked up the details of whatever story that Finn had told him.

He could feel himself growing hard at the thought of Rey with Kaydel. It was a natural reaction; everyone was into hot lesbians. Anyone who said otherwise was a liar, blind, or asexual. Ben was none of those things. Alcohol thrumming in his veins, Ben got up and locked his bedroom door before crossing back to his desk and pulling Rey’s perfectly ordinary underwear out of his bag.

Some guys were into it. He’d never tried it of course. Ben just wasn’t that sexual. He lived in his head. They were here, soft and musky-smelling. Well, the smell was probably just Ben’s imagination. Cursing himself, Ben buried his face in the soft cotton and inhaled deeply. The scent was not his imagination. Rey smelled musky and earthy; it was a smell that Ben found so satisfying and grounding.

Looking back to check that the door was locked, Ben flopped down on the bed and palmed himself through his boxers. It would be a one-time thing. To see what all the fuss was about.  

  



	4. if I have to fall, then it won't be in your line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back

The first time that Ben went to therapy was when he was twelve and kicked a hole in a door at boarding school when his roommate locked him out, giggling. He had just wanted to go to sleep, and the other kid just wouldn't let him inside. It was a frustrating situation, and the rage built up inside Ben until he'd just snapped. His foot smashed through the cheap wood veneer of the door. 

The punishment? Ben went to therapy and got his own room. The other kid got off with a stern warning and a story to tell all of the other sixth graders about how crazy Ben Solo was when they'd lived together. 

He got the sense that Rey was just as angry one night when she was drunk and hanging on his porch with Poe. A few random students he didn't know well showed up and started picking a fight with Rose. Ben heard the shouting and peeked out his blinds to see a drunk Rey in the face of some random guy. 

”I don't know who you are or where you come from, but around here? No one fucking talks like that to anyone and gets away with it.” Her pretty face is a snarl and filled with such rage that Ben is impressed. It wasn't just the alcohol that had done this to Rey; something serious had happened. The random guy said something to Rey that made her clench her jaw and throw a teeth-rattling punch square in his face. 

”Fuck you. Get out of here before I kill you asshole!” Poe attempted to intervene, but she snarled at Poe, pushing him away. 

Before Poe could try to separate Rey and the stranger, the guy swung and punched Rey square in the face. Her lip split and blood dribbled down her chin. There was a tense silence before Rey let out a crazed laugh, her blood spattering across the stranger’s face. ”I've been hit harder by assholes bigger than you.” She stepped forward as if to square up against the guy, who looked at Rey for a long moment and backed away. Whatever he saw in her eyes was enough to make him leave. 

Once he was gone, Rey shook off Poe and Rose to head inside. Instead of working on his reading assignment, Ben left his room and headed for the kitchen, pretending that he wanted a drink of water. 

Rey was leaning against his kitchen counter holding an ice cube against her split lip, trails of blood running down her chin and throat. He couldn't help but think she was still beautiful. Perhaps the most beautiful that she’d ever been, standing in his kitchen while drunk, bloody, and incandescently angry. It felt like an honest rage, all of the social niceties stripped away to reveal a woman that was protective, to the point of being feral, of the ones she loved. 

”What?” Rey asked, her voice flat as she dropped the half-melted ice cube into the sink and retrieved a paper napkin to wipe the blood off her chin. 

”Nothing, I just came to get some water. I have a paper due tomorrow, ” Ben looked away and tried not to blush, feeling like a creep for staring so avidly at Rey.

”Don't worry Solo; you won't even notice the blood or the bruises in the dark. I know what I am to you and everyone else around here.” Rey wasn't slurring anymore, her eyes bright and unblinking. It was like she sobered up in seconds. 

”I don't know what you mean Rey. Are you okay?” Ben tried to keep his voice level. How could she know how he felt about her? The confusion, pain, and pleasure she brought him just by existing? They had started hooking up a few months earlier, at first they were just finding each other at the end of parties. Then they’d call the other and have them come over at odd hours. Ben hadn’t seen Rey touch Kaydel Connix since the first time they’d kissed after a party.

Ben had probably imagined that Rey’s hands shook a little as she brushed his hair out of his eyes before she kissed him that first time. 

”I've never been okay Solo. That's why I keep coming back here.” Rey shouldered past him and went out of the back door, climbing over the retaining wall before disappearing into the early autumn evening.

How old was Rey the first time she went to therapy? Ben couldn't be sure. He did know, deep down, that they were broken in the same way. Perhaps that should be a warning sign. They were a consonant pair, two notes playing on the same frequency and pitch, the sound beautiful to anyone who listened. 

It was hard to tell if Rey had been listening.

  
  



	5. you never held it at the right angle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You never held it at the right angle  
> Catch a, catch a, catch a, catch a falling star  
> But wash your hands of it

Rey had shown up at his room around nine o’clock when he was supposed to be finishing his reading for philosophy. There were dark circles under her eyes and she looked exhausted. Ben felt her exhaustion and frustration roll off of her in great waves. Something was going on. 

“Look, can I stay here tonight? Is that okay?” She fidgeted with the string of her hoodie and it was clear that the confident woman he’d come to know seemed to have retreated for the night. 

“Yeah, sure.” Ben gestured to his bed. “Have at it. I have a late night anyway.”  

She made a scoffing noise as she shucked off her jeans and crawled into his bed without giving Ben a second glance. “I don’t want you to sleep on the couch.” Rey’s voice was sleepy.

Without thinking, Ben snapped his philosophy book shut. Fuck Akbar. He’d discussed without reading before and it would fine. “I listen to SportsCenter while I fall asleep because well, I don’t watch sports, so I don’t get too interested in what they’re talking about.”

“Okay,” Rey replied, she sounded half asleep already. Unsure of what was happening, Ben went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, took out his contacts, and dithered, trying to figure out what to do next. He slept in just boxers and a t-shirt. Which is what Rey was wearing. The thought of her asleep in his bed made Ben’s heart race and he felt a bit like he was having an asthma attack. She’d never slept in his bed outside of the handful of times she’d come over to hook up. 

After a moment, Ben got himself calmed down and walked back into his bedroom. Rey was fast asleep on the right side of the bed. He undressed, put on clean boxers and a t-shirt before slipping into bed. 

Rey apparently felt the weight in bed shift and she wiggled back towards him, pressing her back against his side. It was clear that sleeping was the only thing on the agenda, but Ben wasn’t sure if he’d ever fall asleep. 

The next morning, they woke up around the same time. Rey’s hair was a nest of tangles and her eyes still had dark shadows underneath them. Ben sat in bed, watching as Rey pulled her jeans on and somehow managed to put her bra back on without taking her shirt off. It was impressive. 

Nothing sexual had happened, and yet it felt like they'd spent an incredibly intimate night together. At one point, Ben had woken up to find that he was spooning Rey. He'd never held anyone in his life. 

Fully dressed, Rey gave him a shy smile. ”Thanks for letting me stay. I just needed to feel safe so that I could get some sleep.” 

He just nodded dumbly, unsure of how to react. Rey felt safe with him. She pressed a kiss to his cheek and slipped out of his bedroom without looking back. 

What was he supposed to think? Rey felt safe with him? It was mind-blowing. 

Naturally, he ignored her for a week. Rey’s crestfallen face had eventually hardened into an expression of tightly controlled rage whenever Ben was around.

It was for the best, probably. 

  
  



	6. you can't give yourself absolutely to someone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?  
> Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?  
> Do you sleep anymore?

Rey sat in the passenger seat of his car, fiddling with her seatbelt and trying not to look at him. It was like she’d somehow gone shy in the fifteen minutes that it took for them to pull their clothes on and drive back to her house from his new loft across town. Rey had been many things that night, but shy was not one of them. Ben liked that about her, how fearless she seemed all the time.

She stopped fiddling with the seatbelt and unbuckled it with a sigh, “Thanks for the ride. I appreciate it.” Her hands clenched and her knuckles turned white, making her veins look darker under the thin skin. Just hours earlier, those hands were everywhere, so confident and sure as Rey dragged countless sighs and moans from his reluctant lips. What had changed?

Suddenly, she leaned in as if to brush her lips across his. A goodbye kiss.

“That’s not what we’re doing here.” The words slid off of Ben’s traitorous tongue without a second thought. Hearing his coldness and resignation, it was hard not to wince.

Rey pulled back, “Oh. Okay.” She brushed a chunk of hair behind her ear, revealing the mismatched trio of earrings that decorated her earlobes. Her laugh was short and bitter, a sound that Ben had never heard from Rey. It was shocking. She’d never seemed bitter before, including the time in the kitchen after she’d gotten into a fight. There was a pause as if Rey was going to say something. The silence felt full and heavy. Instead, she opened her door and climbed out, never looking back at Ben in his car.

Feeling sick, Ben put his head against his steering wheel and waited for the flurry of guilt and shame to disappear. It didn’t go away. Instead, it sank from his stomach into the marrow of his bones, into his DNA. If Ben ever had kids, the Force help them; they’d feel the weight of his guilt and shame.

Rey was nothing. She was nobody. But not to him. Ben started his car and drove home to his empty loft. It was what he deserved.

  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Twitter: [@PythiaTweets](http://www.twitter.com/pythiatweets) and [ Pythia](https://www.pillowfort.io/Pythia) on Pillowfort. 
> 
> Please do not repost any of my works. If you'd like them posted on another site, just ask.
> 
>  
> 
> _Note: I'm not sorry for any of the secrets that I told. After a while, they start to fester._


End file.
